Monday, September 14, 2009
Year 3 begins...
All I can say is wow. These past few days have been a real whirlwind of activity on my emotions. It's hard to put it all in perspective right now. Friday was a rainy, dismal day. I dropped Michael off at school and then went by the cemetery early in the morning. I took a dozen roses Chris's gravesite and propped them up against her headstone. They were nice but in a way meaningless.
What Chrissy and I had will stay with me forever, and nothing will ever change that. Absolutely nothing. When I lost her I lost a huge part of me. The past 2 years I have been focused solely on Alex, Tyler and Michael and nothing else. I owe it to her to do everything I can to make sure the kids grow up safe, and become fine young adults in both her image as well as my own.
Friday, Alex came home as well and the 4 of us sort of just were with each other, quiet but understanding what each one of us was dealing with. She came home because Chris's little brother Joey was getting married on Saturday. We all went and I found it very, very difficult to listen to the vows being said. It reminded me again of what I have lost, but at the same time it also reminded me of what I was able to cherish for the years that we were together. We had wonderful lives together. It's just that in our case we had a limited amount of time together. I would never trade those years in for anything.
I've been so focused on them I've neglected myself. Both physically and emotionally. I have continually suffered from gastrointestinal issues. Just went to the Dr. this morning in fact. Next test will be an upper endoscopy that also uses an ultrasound looking for issues. It's called and endoscopic ultrasound. That'll be in a few weeks so I'll have to start juggling rides and stuff soon. I'm doing okay but I tell you with stress and all that I carry it really flares up sometimes.
The past 6 months or so I've really had my emotions bottled up. Friday I opened the bottle and spilled them all over. I was home alone most of the day and did a great deal of soul searching and thinking about myself. I have to.... I've promised myself that the coming year will be better. Not sure exactly how, but I have some ideas. Exercise, better eating, and new friends may be just the answer. All I do know is that it sure won't hurt!
So... I will continue on down the path that God has shown me. My life is what it is and I cannot change the past, but I do know that I can control my future. I think I've finally started to accept that, and I pray to God that he guides me to make the right decisions in my life as the future comes at me so fast! The past 2 years have gone by in the blink of an eye. I'll never get them back. So now it's full steam ahead... wish me luck and say a prayer for me!!! And I will quote my dearly departed wife “You know, sometimes in life you just have to jump in and get wet.”
Well look out. I'm getting a running start....
A special thanks to each and everyone of you who have helped me during my journey. I could not have made it this far without your the caring, love, and understanding that you've given me.
Oh and one other thing... I can see from my site statistics that there has been a lot of activity on the site the last week. There's 20 or 30 of you out there regularly checking in on me not to mention the new people that arrive each day. Today I received the following email from a site owner that I borrowed a picture from. Seems as if when you click the picture he was actually getting hits on his site. He couldn't figure it out. He did look at my site and sent the following:
As I look through the information on the back end of my website I consistently
see hits coming via your website. I see the "french fries picture" which you somehow copied directly from my site (it's okay I don't mind. As a matter of fact thanks to photoshop it no longer has the golden arches on them.) I'm puzzled though as to how and why viewers are coming from your site to mine. Perhaps when you get a minute you can enlighten me if you know the answer.
By the way, your site is a magnificent way to keep the memories of such a wonderful woman alive!
I commend you.
All American Baseball Academy
Wonderful words from an absolute stranger... nice.